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We are human

We are all human and when we are tired, it makes everything worse. Our reaction is to lash out and the closest one nearest, gets it in the ear. We have to learn that this is not the greatest way to handle difficult situations. Also, it doesn’t give a positive behaviour image for our children. If we lash out in anger they will mirror your reaction in this way in the future situations. Your behaviour can and will be replicated from generation to generation. Whereas if we manage to control our emotions enough to make sense of the situation, we would find that the outcome would be a positive beneficial one. Remember we are mentors for our children and for those we meet and work with. Be kind to yourself and others.

The hidden truth about what our children our facing at school

I have been in private practice over 7 years and have treated many people of all ages for depression, anxiety, weight loss and many phobias. This year I have had an influx of children from secondary education suffering from high anxiety and depression due to the pressures of academic achievement and most worrying, from sexual assault within school grounds. They are too scared to report it to their parents or teachers because of the shame, repercussions and potential bullying. Of course I am unable to name clients or schools because of confidentiality, but urge parents to talk to their children and find out if this could be one of the reasons why their child is refusing to go to school.

You are not going to stop boys and girls accessing the internet for porn, but you can talk to them about what is fantasy and what is reality. If we are more open with our children about their sexuality and the act of sex, which should not be a taboo subject, they would come to us with their problems. If our children are more informed, they can make the right decisions about who they are and not to listen to the bullies at school. If you empower your children to stay true to themselves, they will stop worrying or feel anxious about what others think of them.

Remember bullies feed off fear and need others to follow them, but if we teach our children empowerment and to be kind, thoughtful, polite and respectful, these bullies will soon realise they are the ones in the minority. We all have to lead by example. Remember behaviours and beliefs come from our parents, good and bad. You can change habits and behaviours to improve who you are. Don’t live in the past, help your children push towards a great future.

I have two children and have always talked to them openly about sex and potential problems they may face in the world. Both of them still come to me even though they are now both working in London because they feel very comfortable talking about all sorts of subjects without recourse.

There has been some research on sexual assault on school, college and university campuses, which highlights the confusion or lack of knowledge on, ‘what is the understanding of the nature of sexual assault?’

Sexual assault is defined as “any non-consensual sexual act, including when the victim lacks capacity to consent.” The terms sexual assault, sexual violence, sexual coercion, and sexual abuse are sometimes used interchangeably, but sexual assault denotes a type of sexual violence or abuse, specifically in that the sexual event or behaviour lacks explicit consent e.g., rape, attempted rape, and non-consensual kissing, fondling, rubbing, or sodomy, (Shortway, Oganesova and Vincent, 2019).

Sexual offences

There are a range of crimes that can be considered as sexual offences, including non-consensual crimes such as rape or sexual assault, crimes against children including child sexual abuse or grooming, and crimes that exploit others for a sexual purpose, whether in person or online.

Crimes can occur between strangers, friends, acquaintances, current or ex-partners, or family members. The passage of time does not prevent the effective prosecution of sexual offences, and an increasing number of cases referred to the CPS by police feature allegations of a non-recent nature.

Sexual offences are prosecuted as part of the CPS Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) Strategy. This is an overarching framework to address crimes that have been identified as being committed primarily but not exclusively by men against women.

These crimes include domestic abuse, rape, sexual offences, stalking, harassment, so-called ‘honour-based’ violence including forced marriage, female genital mutilation, child abuse, human trafficking focusing on sexual exploitation, prostitution, pornography and obscenity.

This CPS approach to VAWG crimes follows United Nations conventions which the UK government has ratified, and which inform the cross-government VAWG framework. However, the Annual Violence Against Women and Girls report published by the CPS includes data on all perpetrators and victims, irrespective of gender. The CPS is determined to secure justice for all victims, and recently reaffirmed our commitment to male victims, (Cps.gov.uk, 2019).

Please keep children safe and start to communicate. Active listening is so important and giving your children good communication skills helps them to fit into society.

Reference

Cps.gov.uk. (2019). Sexual offences | The Crown Prosecution Service. [online] Available at: https://www.cps.gov.uk/sexual-offences [Accessed 25 Sep. 2019].

Shortway, K., Oganesova, M. and Vincent, A. (2019). Sexual Assault on College Campuses: What Sport Psychology Practitioners Need to Know. Journal of Clinical Sport Psychology, [online] 13(2), pp.196-215. Available at: https://doi.org/10.1123/jcsp.2018-0053 [Accessed 25 Sep. 2019].

Family Balance

I have been dealing in my clinical room, on weekly basis, with young adults having terrible panic attacks, anxiety, depression and total melt downs over exams and life in general. What are we teaching our children? Have we lost the art of communication with our own children? I know it is hard to balance work and home life, but somehow we must address this problem before it’s too late.

No one gives us a manual to be well-balanced parents and believe me this is not a blame game. Try to look back on your own childhood. Remember what you liked and didn’t like when your parents were strict or indifferent. You can change your own behaviour and don’t let history repeat itself. We were all young once. Explain to your children why you are making a decision or losing your temper and not just say, ‘because I said so’, that’s not good enough. Remember how frustrating it was when our parents used that on us. I know you are probably tired and there may be other things happening in your life, but you have to lead by example. You are your child’s mentor. If you behave badly, they will think that is norm and they will have anger issues as they get older. It is much harder to correct issues as they get into their teens. If you lose control, you have already lost the battle.

Try to give your child some structure in their lives, which in turn gives you structure and peace of mind. Keep to a timetable. Wake up at a good time to have a healthy breakfast together and a chance to put them at ease before going to school. School is not a pleasant experience as we all know and now with mobile phones, social media, and reality shows, it’s even harder. Bullying is becoming harder and harder to deal with and control in and out of school. Make sure you have an evening meal together at the dining table to catch up on any other problems they may be facing and try to make meal times fun and relaxed.

It is very difficult to explain to our children about adult behaviour when they see parliament footage of MP’s screaming at each other and never making a clear decision, which they then retract later after they have got into power. These people are running our country and can we trust them? Another example is the recent Panorama programme showing nurses and care-workers abusing vulnerable people. Again where is the trust and decency? I have also had adult clients revealing bullying in their workplace and people lying when they know they have made mistake, but blaming it on someone who is unable to defend themselves. How can we teach our children about honesty and trust when adults do not act in the correct manner? All bullying should be dealt with and there should be a consequence, which is carried out and not allowed to continue.

As adults we have a responsibility to our younger generation that the world can be a safe place because we do not tolerate bad behaviour from any individual, group, organisation or government. Let’s try to stamp out this bad behaviour, which will stamp out bullying and unfairness everywhere, showing it is not acceptable or tolerated.

Trust

  “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”

― Stephen Covey 

Change

  “There is nothing wrong in change if it is in the right direction. To improve is to change, so to be perfect is to have changed often.”

― Winston Churchill 

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ABOUT ME
Judith Chivers is a registered Clinical Hypnotherapist and CNLP Practitioner and is based in Worth. She can help with a variety of problems relating to your health and well-being.
  • The Well Being Clinic. Temptye Farmhouse, The Street, Worth, Deal, Kent. CT14 0DJ